Trauma & Loss Centre

It is inevitable that we will suffer trauma and losses during our lifetime.  When we are in that state of total pain and sadness and hopelessness it is really difficult to see the light.  The truth is that no matter what others do or say, nothing helps.  The hurt and the fear are still there, as if it just happened. 

The thing is, trauma is a perception of being unsafe in the present moment, even though the event happened some time ago and in a different place. 

Trauma is experienced when we don’t feel safe anymore, and when we feel disconnected from those we love and depend on. These are the basic needs of any human being.  It is not what happened to you, but what you make of the event.  Everyone goes into a downward spiral after a horrifying or life-threatening event, but most are able to assure themselves that they are safe in this present moment, and realise that they can reach out to others and find that they are open and warm and loving towards you.

Some, however, do not get to that point.  And this is where we can help.

Assisting someone with Trauma

Often, as strange as it may seem, the traumatised do not realise the severity of their condition.  Like clutter-blindness, they don’t see how their symptoms are influencing their lives.  Friends and family can help someone who experienced trauma by keeping a lookout for behavioural changes, such as taking time off from work.  Note also sudden, uncalled-for, or more pervasive mood changes, such as anger and irritability or numbness and withdrawal. 

Get them in contact with a support group or a trauma specialist.  Not realising that something is off is like being on a little rowboat bobbing aimlessly around on the ocean.  If you don’t show them the lighthouse, they won’t know which way to go.

Provide a sympathetic ear and ask general questions.  Give the person time to talk and do not interrupt them, even if they tell the story over and over again.  Each person has his/ her unique way of processing the event.  Just give them a safe space to voice their fears and pain.  It is about witnessing their hurt and struggles without judgement or criticism.

Be aware of the risk of continued exposure to stress-inducing tasks or environments.  Stress is accumulative.  Consider even things like noise or being constrained.  The traumatised person needs to empty his/her own cup first, so to speak, of the constant tension and fear being experienced, before he/she can cope with other stressors.  At the moment, his/her capacity is already on the brink and anything extra will just overflow his/her cup and freak him/her out.

Provide practical and emotional support to the family and carers as well.  Give them information about trauma symptoms and normalise the condition.  Actively involve them in the person’s treatment plan and bring their attention to how their behaviours may contribute to or trigger the person’s symptoms.

Remember that the traumatised person is not the only one suffering in a family. Dealing with a traumatised person is very taxing. Try to get their needs met as well.

Often it is not just one person in the family that has been exposed to the trauma, so consider further assessments and interventions for those who haven’t presented with symptoms yet. 

Grief is about losing something or someone you had an attachment with; which you build your identity and sense of safety upon.  This loss is not just from a death. It can be from a divorce, relocation, job loss, even normal transitions in life or breaking something that had special meaning to you.

We all know the experience of deep sadness and loneliness; of intense, uncontrollable, overwhelming feelings of anger and anxiousness at times; of trying to avoid the reality of it and then desperately trying to control the outcome. And we avoid talking about it at all costs. 

What you are experiencing is normal and even expected.  These feelings are all part of the healing process.  They are coping mechanisms your subconscious employs to process and integrate what has happened on a conscious level.

Your subconscious has amazing wisdom to it because it only allows you to feel what it believes you are ready to process.  The secret is to ‘not fight it’.  The feelings it allows you to feel, need to be felt by your conscious mind.  Your subconscious does not use words or language or logic.  It speaks through feelings.

It is as if your subconscious is giving you different coloured Smarties or Astros to eat – like all the green ones then all the reds – only, it is really bitter and it burns and it hurts really bad.  You cannot refuse and it will not help to spit it out.  Your subconscious will just create more of it until you have felt the pain that the loss has left you with.  You need to have courage and really feel into the pain in order to heal. 

You will know when you have healed when you can remember the person (or animal or place) with more love than pain.  Unfortunately, the pain never goes away.  You just learn to build up enough love and compassion that the pain doesn’t hurt so much anymore.  It is precisely this ‘not wanting to feel the pain’ that causes the suffering.  In the end, you will understand that you have to recognise the pain for what it is, before it will let go of your heart.

Treating Grief

One way of gaining an understanding of grief is to break it down into stages or periods.  Note that there is no order to these periods and that not all will be experienced by everyone.  It is just a metaphor to try and make sense of the chaos of emotions you are feeling.  Do not try to read anything into it and do not try to manage or control your situation with it.  They are just states of being, and they can change in an instant.

For the sake of normalising and understanding what you are going through, the following states should be mentioned:  Shock;  Denial and avoidance mechanisms; Anger, anxieties and frustrations; Bargaining and control; Numbing, deep sadness, withdrawing and feeling drained and tired; Acceptance and resignation; Hope and Meaning-making afterwards.

Supporting Someone who is Grieving

Deep down the person knows you can do nothing for him/her, and he/she doesn’t really expect you to.

You can help someone by just spending time with him/her.  It is about someone’s presence, more than words they say, that are of great comfort during bereavement.  It is about holding a hand or putting an arm around someone to express your support and care. 

Joining a bereavement support group can be incredibly helpful.  It is a place where the person can talk about his/her loss with others who are experiencing the same emotions.

Allow the person to show his/her emotions.  The person should not feel it to be necessary that he/she has to keep it all together all of the time.  It is in the talking about the pain and the crying that someone works through the grief, and it shouldn’t be suppressed.

Allow the person to keep talking about the person who has died.  The person may need to repeat certain aspects as he/she is attempting to understand what has happened.  Do not be afraid to keep quiet, or to just say that you don’t know what to say.  

Give the person space to tell you what he/she really wants or needs to make peace with it.

Remember that anniversaries and special occasions can be difficult.  These are very important times for the bereaved.  Acknowledge the person during these occasions and recognise that he/she is no longer there.  The person grieving will probably cry, so be ready for this and don’t try to suppress it.

Offer practical support with everyday tasks.  Don’t ask.  Just do it.  It can be anything from buying groceries, putting the bins out, and carrying out household chores that may have been done by the person who has died.  Offering support for these will be appreciated. Remember, the person can always say ‘no, thanks’ and in time he/she will learn how to do it for themselves.  It is just that at the moment after the loss, the effort of living can be too much.

Allow time for the process to evolve.  Try not to impose your expectations on the bereaved.  We all cope in our own ways and in our own time.

It is very important that children be included and considered when there is a death, and for them to be present at the funeral or any other rituals you have when grieving.  Children learn from us how to grieve.  A death can be an incredibly scary situation for a child and they do not have the coping mechanisms and processing abilities to deal with it.

Children tend to move through their grief quite rapidly but this does not mean they do not feel it as deeply.

Younger children do not have the capacity to understand or distinguish physical reality from the fantasy in their minds, the difference between the past and the future or the distinction between themselves and other people. Everything revolves around themselves in this present moment, and what and who they need to survive and experience pleasure. Any negative experience or rejection they experience as ‘them being at fault and being the reason for it, resulting in them forming shame and unworthyness for the most nonsensicle things.

They may for example believe they are somehow responsible for the death, and will have strange and illogical reasons for what is happening and why.  They develop these concepts of guilt and shame and disappointments and fears that will last for years to come if not dealt with.  It is important for them to talk about it all to try and make sense of it, and to help them test their reasoning with reality.  Do not judge or criticise them or make it off as nonsense.  Listen and be curious with them.  And remember that their thoughts are based on emotions and not logic.

Children also come to the realisation that they have bodies and that their bodies may die.  This is a big and frightening concept to them that they need to deal with.  They need to be loved and assured during this time.

Adolescents recognise that what they do, impacts others’ emotions and may deliberately not express their feelings, in the hope of not upsetting others or making them feel worse.  Make a special time for them to share their feelings and thoughts.  Make them realise that they are not responsible for anyone else’s emotions and that it is normal and necessary to express sadness and all other emotions in life.